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Patients Say the Darndest Things. . . By James H. O'Keefe, M.D. Patient: "My wife got the medications mixed up around our household earlier this week. So the dog has been dragging around with low blood pressure; and you can be assured that I will be heartworm-free for at least the next 30 days." One of my patients, a big and burly truck driver, told me, "Doctors these days are too skinny, especially heart doctors. Why look at you Doc, I bet you wouldn't last two minutes in a bar fight!" Patient's entry on her medical history form: "Sometimes, just out of the blue, my heart will suddenly start racing 100 miles an hour and I feel like I could pass out. My doctor diagnosed me with 'Attack-a-cardia.'" Dr. O'Keefe, "So let me get this straight. You had a stent placed in one of your coronary arteries five years ago and haven't seen a doctor since?" Patient (while looking at the floor and mumbling), "Right." Dr. O'Keefe, "Have you been taking any medications?" Patient, "Nope." Dr. O'Keefe, "Have you been checking your blood pressure or cholesterol?" Patient, "No." Dr. O'Keefe, "Sir, you are lucky you haven't had some serious heart issues in the interim. What were you thinking?" Patient, "I dunno." Dr. O'Keefe, "We can do a lot to prevent future heart problems, but you have to come and see us. Why has it been so long since you have been here?" Patient, "I was in prison until about eight weeks ago." Dr. O'Keefe, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. May I ask what you did to land yourself in jail for five years?" Patient (glaring intensely at me and speaking through clenched teeth), "I tried to strangle the life out of some nosey jerk who was asking too many stupid questions!" In the medical history form, one of my patients wrote, "I have mackerel degeneration." I mentioned that I didn't think that would affect his eyesight, but it certainly might make him smell like rotten fish. As I was discharging a gentleman from the hospital after a heart attack, his wife looked over at him and said, "Bill, we need to learn from this episode. Specifically, I have learned that I need to ignore everything you say, and you need to listen to me." |
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